Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, drive me up the wall, fairy hooker, grating, huge CBS, ib grading system, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, sarcastic, tammy fae baker cross, vanity plates, vent, vintage finds, what the wednesdays, wtf wednesdays
Okay, fine, so I tried not to steal anyone else’s Wednesday theme and I wound up doing it anyway. Apparently, I like There is no “I” in team. But there are three “u”s in shut the fu*k up Facebook and that is why WTF Wednesday sounded so familiar. So, with a slightly different title, I bring you the same BS as last week – things that make you go “What the…?”
1. What the… are you selling?
On Saturday, I took the girls to the zoo in the morning. When I got home that afternoon, I promptly dumped them with Mr. Peeved and made an excuse to get a little “me” time. I steered clear of the DSW Shoe Warehouse (I’m being really good) and headed to the large antiques market near my house. I love everything vintage and always keep my eye out for cool new stuff that appears in the market. Okay, who am I kidding? I was looking for an accordian wall sconce like the one from last Wednesday’s post. I was not successful, however, I did find SOME treasures.
Um, ouch. Boating accident?
This beauty was tucked into a shelf between two relatively pretty earthenware chotchkies. Doesn’t anyone look at this stuff before they let people put it on the shelves. If I participate in a consignment sale and if there is one tiny little stain, the item gets rejected. Apparently, you can be down a ruby nipple and still get tagged for sale. Would it really affect the value to just go to Michael’s and get this poor girl a replacement? I felt like leaving my 50% off coupon next to it.
If Tammy Faye Baker were a cross...
Oh for the love of… what the ?… Is that a neon silk-flower cross ? Yes, folks, that is exactly what it is. Someone needs to lay off the communion wine. At the very least, there should be a screening process for this stuff. WTF Mr. One Man’s Junk is Another Man’s Junk?
2. What the… are you wearing?
This is a clipping of an article in the Atlanta-Journal Constitution. This is supposed to be a fashion profile. This girl looks like her house was on fire and she grabbed her favorite things and threw them all on at once. I don’t have an issue with any one individual piece, but the outfit as a whole is shitballs. Let’s review what’s going wrong here: 1) sandal flats and jeans that come down to your almost-ankles; 2) jeans that come down to your almost-ankles – are they capris or jeans? I smell an identity crisis and P.S. your hips hate them, too; 3) 6-inch cuffs on your jeans only works if you are a rockabilly and/or wearing Chucks; 4) have you never seen What Not to Wear? Clinton and Stacey would have a heart attack – jeans should fall straight from the hips in order to be slimming; 5) I don’t have any problem with the tops, but out of curiosity, what temperature is it outside? What season? Because your hat and shoes say summer while your top and pants say winter. WTF Ms. Someone Should Have Put a Black Bar Across My Face?
3. What the… is that?
This is the cover of one of Biggie’s teenybopper magazines. At first glance, I thought they were making fun of the heavier girls. No? Oh, I shouldn’t worry then? It’s just a show on CBS? Called “Huge”? And, it’s about overweight people? Okay, then. WTF Ms. I Have No Pride and Will Let People Degrade Me for a Gig on Network TV? Also, WTF Our Network Is So Insensitive We May As Well Be FOX News Pundits?
4. What the… school do you go to?
I was reviewing Biggie’s schoolwork last night and came across a test. The test was graded. Yet, I have no earthly idea how she actually did on the test. Why? Because her school has switched to the IB system of grading. Not the whole school, though. And, not all her classes. And, not all the classes have all the same number of levels for the grading. So, I don’t know whether to ground her or not. Just to be safe, I did. WTF A, B, C, D, F Was Not A Good Enough System For Our School, School?
5. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?
When vanity plate shopping meets PBR guzzling.
Yes, that vanity plate says “YEEHA” and no, it’s not on a Bronco. WTF Mr. Should Have Tied Your Lasso ‘Round a Real Truck?
6. What the… is wrong with you?
Sunday afternoon, Smalls had a “fairy” birthday party to attend. Needing to get some errands done, I left the house an hour and a half before we had to head to the party.
Peeved: Biggie, I will be back in one hour. I need to go food shopping. We need to leave the house for the fairy party at 2:30. Please get your sister ready and be waiting for me when I get back. Mr. Peeved is in the office if you need him.
Biggie: Okay, yeah, sure, mom.
***
[Peeved walking in with her hands full of groceries]
Biggie: Mr. Peeved says you’re going to be mad at me.
Peeved: Why? Are you not ready?
Smalls: [twirling into the room] Mommy, mommy, mommy, look, I’m a fairy!
Peeved: What the…
Biggie: She wanted it that way! She said all fairies wear sparkly make-up.
Peeved: Yeah, Fairy Nightwalkers. Geez, Biggie!
***
I had to take my child to the fairy party looking like a two-bit fairy hooker. WTF Biggie (who would run if she knew what was good for her)?
Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, books, brainwashed, consumerism, department of torture, drive me up the wall, fancy clothes, grating, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, problem with the world today, sarcastic, shoes, shopping, toys, twilight, unlimited supply, vampires, vanity plates, vent
Here is what is wrong with our society. Driving in to work this morning, they had a contest on the radio. In order to win the contest, you had to guess the answer to the following question:
According to recent poll, besides food & money, what’s the #1 item you’d like a lifetime supply of?
Hmm... Books? Well, no, because you basically get that at the library. Although, I do loathe to return them (as is evidenced by my $30 overdue balance).
I know, I know!!! SHOES!!!! Yes, please. Third wish on the genie lamp for me... unlimited shoes!
No? What else do I need in life besides good books, money, food, and shoes? I’m stumped! Okay, let me think what the average person would say…
I got it! Gas. As much as we'd like to hold out hope, I don't anticipate those corn cars going into production anytime soon. And, while we're at it, can I get a little full-service as well?
Not it? Okay, I guess I’m being too practical. Let me think more on the level of the average American. Ah, yes, that’s my problem – I’m not being materialistic enough!
Fancy clothes?
Diamonds?
Enough sports cars to make Jay Leno drool? And enough accompanying vanity plates to make John Mayer cry?
...electronic pets? Toys?
No? Hmm… well, maybe I’m underestimating people. What else is not a food, not money, but you would want an unlimited supply of?
BINGO! Skymiles...
... Embassy Suites rewards points?
... Unlimited admission tickets to aquariums, museums, parks and zoos throughout the world?
No? Okee Dokee, not interested in traveling or learning about nature, other cultures or history.
I give up. Please, just tell me. WHAT would Americans want a limitless supply of besides food and money?
A: Cable TV service!
Yes, folks. This is the problem with our society. Forget A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, these people are only interested in A Potato Grows on the Couch.
Which, is probably why they sell these at Toys R Us.
Filed under: General Peevery, Road Peeves | Tags: annoying, bad photoshop job, blocking the box, children, department of torture, drive me up the wall, driving the speed limit, driving with blinker on, grating, nervous breakdown, over braking, pedestrian points, peeve, pet peeves, riding your brakes, road rage, sarcastic, using your horn properly, vanity plates, vent
Smalls (from backseat of car): Mommy, you are a bad person.
Peeved: What? Why am I a bad person?
Smalls: Because you are mean to people.
Peeved: Why am I mean, now?
Smalls: You are always yelling at all the other people in the cars.
Peeved: I’m not always yelling. Sometimes they don’t know how to drive.
Smalls: Are you the only one that knows how to drive?
Peeved: Yes.
Smalls: So you need to tell them how to do it?
Peeved: Exactly.
*****
Where do these people learn how to drive? Yes, folks, a good old-fashioned road rage rant for you today. Top 5 offenses?
1. Driving the speed limit. Everyone knows those radar doohickey things are have a 10-mile-an-hour range of error. That is why you only get a ticket when you are going 10+ miles over. A cop is not going to waste his time on you unless he can really stick it to you good. And, please, if you do want to go the speed limit, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not do it in the left-hand lane. I was driving down the road the other day and saw a car with the license plate (and you know how I love my vanity plates) “SPD LMT” that was driving, you guessed it, exactly the speed limit. I tried to take a picture for you, but the car behind them was so far up their ass I couldn’t get a clear shot.
Good to know. Think DMV has "I POOP" available?
2. All things blinkers. This is a catch-all offense because if you do one, you probably do the others. This offense includes, but is not limited to, driving with your blinker on for miles, not using your blinker (hello, I’m not a fecking mind reader!), putting your blinker on as your making the turn, assuming that because you have your blinker on that you can come into my lane automatically, and any and all other actions that cause me to roll down the window and scream, “USE YOUR GODDAMN DIRECTIONAL!” “WELL, SURE, COME ON OVER!” or “TURN ALREADY, YOU MORON!”
*****
Smalls: Is your window down, Mommy?
Peeved: No, why? Are you hot?
Smalls: No. But, if your window isn’t down, how do they hear you?
Peeved: How does who hear me?
Smalls: The other drivers.
*****
3. Improper use of brakes. What are you stopping for? Phantom red lights? Because I don’t see anything in front of you. Do you think you get better gas mileage by speeding up just to jam on your brakes? Do you like the way the brake lights rosily illuminate the back seat? No? Then why the hell are you treating your brake pedal like a bass drum control? I think fellow blogger PB&J Chutney summed it up best here.
4. Blocking the box. New York passed a law a few years back that prohibits people from “blocking the box.” Just one more reason New York rocks. For those of you not familiar, blocking the box is when the douchebag driver heading east decides to run through the yellow light even though he knows damn well his car is not going to fit through the intersection, thus blocking you who is trying to head north. Let’s use the law of the skinny jeans here: if you can’t fit, don’t.
5. Blowing your horn. If you have time to blow your horn, you have time to get the hell out of the way. There are only two times that it is okay to blow your horn. 1) If someone is backing up and does not see you. 2) If someone is doing their nails, texting, or otherwise not paying attention and needs a little, “hello, the light is green, thank you” reminder of what the hell they are doing in the car. A simple double-tap, friendly beep. Not a honk. And, not 2 seconds after the light turns. Got it?
The game of Pedestrian Points is a lot like scrabble. Ugliness = double letter score; oldness = double word score; slowness = triple letter score; and handicap = triple word score. Hey, I didn't make the rules. By the way NICE PHOTOSHOP JOB ON THAT SECOND PICTURE. No more margaritas at lunch for you. Get yours at zazzle.com
*****
Peeved (yelling at guy jogging in road, right next to sidewalk): Get on the sidewalk!
Smalls: Why are you yelling at that man? Because he needs to get on the sidewalk?
Peeved: Yes.
Smalls: Can he hear you?
Peeved: Yes, of course.
Smalls: Why are you yelling at him to get on the sidewalk? Because you don’t want him to get hit by a car?
Peeved: Exactly. (Even if he would have been worth 15 points.)
Filed under: General Peevery, Road Peeves | Tags: annoying, bumper stumper, corvette, douche, drive me up the wall, grating, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, road rage, sarcastic, secret society decoder pin, spelling, tattoo, vanity plates, vent
Remember that cheesy game show Bumper Stumpers? Well, I freaking sucked at it. Majorly. So besides the fact that vanity plates are a telltale sign of douchery, I also hate them because they make me feel stupid. I don’t get it. Isn’t the point of a vanity plate to say something about yourself? I mean, after all, it’s not like you’re driving behind yourself reading it. It’s like getting a tattoo on your back – it’s not for your own enjoyment.
Ever since I started carrying my camera in my car console, I’ve seen a million of these. I’ve figured out maybe 2 (and those weren’t very hard). Here are some of the one’s I’ve seen – can you help alleviate my peeve and let me know what YOU think these mean?
This is one I figured out. But, admittedly, not before trying to remember whether loride was an element on the periodic table. (PS - this guy gets a double douche for non-vintage vette and vanity plate)
I'm still vacillating between Totally Tedious Douche and an advert for a new strain of venereal disease.
Really, you had to get a vanity plate for this? Surely, I'm missing a double entendre here...
You are a 12-month-old and someone just asked you if you need anything from the store? This one REALLY boggles me. I'm losing sleep over it.
Dick-Wad, Re-Waddable???
Sorry, the vanity plate name you have selected is already in use. We suggest: SEK1.
Either you really can't spell, or you just came up with a brilliant alternative to FUCKIT.
Oh - Oh - I get it! You're like Michelle Obama with a stutter.
Okay, I know it's not a vanity plate, but WTF? Has Shrek become a spokesperson for AT&T, moved to Georgia and purchased a used truck? I'm afraid to Google it.
Okay, readers (all 2 of you), break out your Secret Society Decoder pins. I expect your insights here!
Perpetually Peeved 