Perpetually Peeved


Wednesday “What the…?”

Yesterday was full of weird stuff I didn’t have pictures of.  Today, I’ve got proof.  It’s the weird, wacky, wondrous, Wednesday “What the…?” – Enjoy, folks.

1.  What the… are you trying to say?

That might be hard to read, let me tell you what it says.

          XXXXXXXX@YAHOO.COM

          Is this a valid email address for you (for your protection, the email address has been partially masked)?

Um, there is no X in my email address.  So, by partially masked do you mean completely obscured?  WTF Your Security Levels Are So High You Even Tell Me I Got My Father’s Middle Name Wrong On The Security Questions?

2.  What the… are you wearing?

Have you ever been going through old photographs and come across something that makes you go WTF?  Well, here’s a classic case.  Even Smalls is trying to figure out what’s going on there.  I guess stereotypes have to come from somewhere.  WTF Mr. I Buy My Outfits Out Of a Catalog Called DING!DING!DING!?

3.  What the… is that?

I sure hope they’re paying you.  WTF Hello Krazy Kitty?

4.  What the… kind of school do you go to?

(driving home from school yesterday)

Biggie:  Aren’t you going to ask me what new Connections (this is a fancy word for electives) I got today.

Peeved:  Sure, but the last 3 times I asked you, you told me you didn’t know yet and to stop asking you.

Biggie: Well, I got Music Appreciation and Family and Consumer Science.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?  That sounds cool.  What’s that?  Budgets and stuff?

Biggie:  No.  You cook stuff and you get to carry around an egg and stuff and, like, pretend it’s a baby.  It’s really cool.

Peeved:  You mean you got Home Ec.

Biggie:  No, it’s called Family and Consumer Science.  Home Ec is, like, when they teach you budgets and stuff.  They don’t call it that anymore, Mom.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?

Biggie:  Yes.

Peeved:  Where’s the science in it?

Biggie:  Cooking is science.  And, so is having babies.

Peeved:  Sounds like Home Ec to me.

Why does everything have to have a fancy name now?  It’s no longer English, it’s Language Arts.  It’s not Gym, it’s Exercise Science.  WTF Fancy Pants School – Why Don’t You Try Teaching Them How Eggs Get Fertilized Now That You’re Calling It Science?

5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?

 
 

This is what you get when you cross a mullet with a helmet bang.

 

 When wearing flip-flops with pants and no pedicure is the least offensive thing you’ve got going on, you’ve got issues.  WTF Ms. I’m So Country Even My Hairdo Is Inbred?

6.  What the… is wrong with you?

Some days, I wish I had one of those jobs that don’t do random drug testing.  You know, like pizza delivery guy, waiter, Xfinity writer, garbage man.  Either someone likes to wake and bake, or they have a sick sense of humor.  WTF Is Afroman Doing As My Garbageman?

I’ve got $50 that says the owner of the gold Toyota would, in fact, jump off a bridge if all of his friends did first.  WTF Doublemint Douches?



Wednesday “What the…?”

These Wednesdays just keep getting here quicker.  While our daily dose of WTF is fun, I don’t want you to think I’m not peeved enough lately.  In fact, I’m posting this from my iPhone right now because the douche otherwise known as Comcast – sorry, Xfinity – is incapable of providing me continuous service despite the fact that I provide them with continuous (over)payments.  I don’t know if you’ve ever typed a long message on an iPhone before, but I liken it to having a bad case of bad diarrhea and cheap toilet paper.  In other words, a pain in the ass.  That said, here we go…

1.  What the… Are You Selling?

WTF Was Wrong With Some Bodywash and a Loofah?

2.  What the… Are You Wearing?

Last night, Mr. Peeved was helping me out and decided that if the kids laid out their clothes for the next day, it would make my life easier in the morning.  A good theory.  The problem here is in the execution.  The pic above is of the outfit I pulled off the dresser this morning.  First, it is October 20th.  And, while we are having a bit of an Indian Summer here in the South, a short-sleeved shirt and mini skirt may be pushing it a bit.  Second, and most importantly, a green shirt, a jean skirt that has red piping, aqua socks and clownfish shoes – yep, I’m pretty sure when you look up “clash” in the dictionary this is the image you see.  His defense?  “She picked it out herself.”  Mmm-hmm.  Thank the heavens I was too mortified to actually let her wear it.  It was picture day and I had forgotten.  WTF Mr. Bet Your Parents Blamed Your Bad Outfits and Bowl Cuts on You, Too?

3.  What the…  is that?

As seen outside the local strip club.

Yes, breakfast at the strip club.  WTF Kind of Idiot Would Order the Crabcake Benedict?

4. What the… is wrong with this picture?

I don’t actually do any physical activity (unless you count running my mouth), but isn’t protein powder supposed to help you gain weight?  WTF Mr. Unless You Are Smuggling Out A Can of That Crap Under Your Shirt, I Really Don’t Think You Need To Be Buying It?

Eyelift? Check.  Thinned out nose? Check.  Plumped up lips? Check.  Hmm… no, something tells me the girl who would buy this shirt wouldn’t have stopped there.  WTF Would Possess Someone To Wear This Shirt Besides a Sponsorship Deal to Buy Some New Boobs?

WTF Mr. I Bet You Like To Think Outside the Box and Color Outside the Lines, Too?

Can you say “creepy?”  WTF Is That Doll Looking At?



Wednesday “What the…?”

Another day, another “what the…?”       

1.  What the… are you selling?      

It’s that time again, folks.  Picture day at school.  How will I spend my $150 this year?  Step 1) pick a pose; step 2) pick a background color; step 3) pick options.  Options?  Well, this is new.  Add a CD?  What for?  I’ll just get an 8×10 and scan it.  Add the kid’s name to the wallets?  Sure, why not.  I get so many wallets I start handing them out to strangers.  They’ll need to know her name.  Add retouching?  Back up…

 Yes, folks, for just $12, you can buy your kid some false self-esteem.  The photo retouching applies to the yearbook picture as well.  WTF You Can Turn Molly Ringwald Into Angie Everheart, But Anthony Michael Hall is Shit Out of Luck? 

2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

 How can you tell if your skirt is too short?  Simple.  If it’s wider than it is long, it’s too short.  WTF Store Did You Buy This Pink Velour Atrocity From Anyway?

3.  What the… is that?      

Apparently, high school football games are a great excuse to let your children run rampant and torture other, more responsible parents who are stupid enough to actually watch their own children.  Biggie was cheering at the homecoming game and awesome mom that I am, I got a front row seat.  Well, almost a front row seat.  I would have been able to see if every bratchild in the arena was not standing directly in front of me.  I kindly asked them to sit the feck down at least three times.  Finally, when they ran to concession stand, I snuck up and stole the first row.  I stood up and leaned forward to get some shots of Biggie, sat down, then stood up again to get some more shots.  Something felt weird.  Something felt weird on my butt, to be more precise.  What could it be, you ask…  Hmm… it feels an awful lot like a saliva-covered sour straw.  Just as I was thinking, “No, you’re being paranoid, Peeved,” a fit of giggles and some “she did it,” “no she did it” erupted from the bleachers behind me.  WTF Would I Have Given to be Able to Discipline Those Children Myself at That Moment!

 

kandkkandies.com

 

4. What the… kind of backwater town are you from?      

 

Yes, down in the South we spell phonetically.  Yes, down in the South, that IS spelled phonetically.

If you’ve already become a friend of Perpetually Peeved on Facebook, you’ve seen this photo.  If you haven’t, WTF Are You Waiting For?

 5.  What the… is wrong with you?   

 This week was a great week for material from third parties.  Here is an actual email I received from a good friend:

From:  IWanna Gag

To: Peeved

Subject: If I wrote a blog and I don’t

Message:  I would write about the woman in the bathroom at work who continued her conversation with me while she pooped.  Loudly.  She was not deterred and she would not let me go without more questions which she had to shout out to be heard over the pooping sounds.

WTF Ms. Shit Coming Out Both Ends?

*****

In other news, a friend was at the airport waiting for a flight when she noticed a gentleman “picking a winner.”  Disgusted, she decided to stare at him, assuming the attention would make him abandon his digging session.  No such luck.  Not only did the guy keep digging, he got himself a good one.  A nice, gooey, sinus infection looking booger.  Don’t worry – he didn’t eat it.  At least not at first.  First, he rubbed it all over his lips, like mucus chapstick.  Then, he licked it off slowly.  That’ll teach her to stare.  WTF Mr. Salty?

Not that I'd know anything about that...



Wednesday “What the…?”

Come on down, you’re the next contestant on “Wednesday What the…?”     

1.  What the… are you selling?      

You know what’s almost as annoying as preppy frat boys and sorority girls?  Hipsters.  Hipsters and their obsession with all things moustache.   

moustache candy (etsy seller: vintageconfections)

moustache computer decals (etsy seller: dotvinyl)

moustache iphone cozy (etsy seller: yummypocket)

mounted moustache... ala Papa Smurf (etsy seller: katiecanavan)

moustache pillow (etsy seller: freakyfleece)

moustache soap (etsy seller: servasgschaeft)

moustache taco holder - yes, I said taco holder (etsy seller: urbanantix)

moustache wall decal - in the event you are too much of a commitmentphobe to spring for the mounted version (etsy seller: mustachio)

and, my all time favorite - the mirror moustache... Wow! How'd that get there? (etsy seller: sprocketbox)

I am very worried about this girl. Very worried. She has about 30 beards in her shop - this is one of the more normal colors. I'm almost more worried about the people that buy these beards. We should start a collection. There's a reason why some artists are starving. (etsy seller: imadeyouabeard)

WTF Mr. My Skinny Jeans Don’t Make Me Look Douchey Enough?   

 
2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

When Cher is looking at you funny – you got issues. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

 Biggie wants to dress up as Lady GaGa for Halloween.    

Biggie:  I couldn’t wear the outfit to school.  But, I could wear it to the party.  She doesn’t have a lot of outfits that would be appropriate though…   

Peeved:  How about the meat dress?   

Biggie:  Um, ew, no.   

Peeved:  Why not?  I’m sure an hour into the party you’ll be smelling great.   

Biggie:  I am NOT putting a steak on my head.   

Peeved:  Ribeyes are on sale this week…   

Biggie:  Besides, that is such a waste of good bacon.   

So, why did she wear that outfit?  “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And, I am not a piece of meat.” (Source: USA Today)  WTF Ms. If You Don’t Want to Be a Piece of Meat Quit Flaunting Your Chicken Cutlets In Everyone’s Face?   

3.  What the… is that?      

I know it’s hard to read (damn Iphone) but, that sign says “STOP Queefing”

Not long after I wrote the post about my experience with yoga, I was driving in the car with the fam and came to a stop at this stop sign. I don’t know if it was the timing, or my extremely immature sense of humor, but I could not contain myself.

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha [hitting Mr. Peeved & pointing out the window”]

Mr. Peeved: hahahaha (apparently, his sense of humor is more sophisticated than mine)

Biggie: What? What’s so funny?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha [GASP!] Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Mr. Peeved: Really? Biggie, don’t worry about it.

Biggie: Oh, well, what’s so funny? What does “queefing” mean?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!! [GASP!] I can’t… [GASP] Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Mr. Peeved: It means farting. Peeved, what the hell is wrong with you?

Peeved: But, it says… Bwahahahahahahahahaha!! [GASP! Wipe away tears…] No, Biggie. It doesn’t mean that. Don’t tell her that, then she’s going to use it around her friends. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Mr. Peeved: Okay, fine. Just don’t worry about it, Biggie. And, don’t use it around your friends.

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Biggie: Um, okay.

Mr. Peeved: Pull yourself together over there! What’s wrong with you?

Peeved: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!

Well, curiousity killed the cat, but it also mortified the mother. Because, Biggie decided to ask everyone she could find at Mr. Peeved’s place of employment what it meant. WTF Am I Supposed To Tell Her?

4. What the… school do you go to?

  

Umm...

WTF Kind of Moron Are You?  Oh, an oxymoron?  That makes sense.  

 5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?      

  

Maybe that’s their “natural habitat” in North Georgia, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have those wire cages in the forests of Asia.  WTF Mr. I Should Catch Up on My Animal Planet Shows?  

 6.  What the… is wrong with you?   

  

On Monday night, Mr. Peeved and I went on a date night.  I noticed there was a same side of the booth couple sitting a vew tables away (SO WRONG).  I wasn’t at the right angle to get the shot, so I recruited Mr. Peeved to take the picture.  Above is the best shot out of a few attempts.  This is why Mr. Peeved is not allowed to take pictures.  And, why I have absolutely no decent pictures of me and the kids in my photo albums.  This is not, contrary to his protests, the fault of the iPhone camera.   

Exhibit A:  

Honey, that's a great shot of me and Biggie, but next time, you may want to turn the camera the other way. I think the castle is much more memorable than the other tourists to either side of us.

Exhibit B:  

What's wrong with an action shot?

 When I gave him the camera at Smalls’ birthday party, he loaded it up with 50 action shots – all blurry – of her opening her presents.  Are you looking at them as you take them?  If it’s blurry, wouldn’t you ask me to change the settings?  WTF Mr. I Should Stick To Cooking?  Oh well, guess I’ll just have to keep bringing in those photo booth strips as our “family pictures.”  

**And, here is the disclaimer where I say Mr. Peeved has many, many talents.  Photography is just not one of them. Lucky for me, spoiling me with fancy gadgets like the beautiful Canon I got for Christmas last year, is.  Love you, baby!**



Wednesday “What the…?”

Welcome back, folks, for another round of “Wednesday What the…?”  Same beach, different flotsam.  Let’s see what kind of wreckage I’ve found for you.  

1.  What the… are you selling?   

This isn't a specials board, it's a "special" board.

Did you ever have an idea in your head and while it remained there, it was the best idea ever but then the minute you shared it, it didn’t sound like such a good idea anymore?  Um, yeah.  Some marketing genius had that happen to them, but no one clued them in before they made this pretty little sign up.  Let’s move past the glaring “$5 Bang Wednesdays” – except, really?  Let’s ask ourselves, “If it’s happy hour “all day every day” then why am I only getting a “bang” on Wednesdays?”  Then, let’s ask ourselves, “What the hell does a bowl of dogfood have to do with happy hour?”  I mean, if that’s not dogfood, I don’t know what is.  WTF Our Marketing People Had a Couple Happy Hours Prior to Coming Up With This Brilliance?   

Speaking of wasted:  

  

Saw this at lunch today.  It was a table display in the middle of the waiting area at a fast-food salad type place.  You know what I never understood?  Why people would put bad pictures of their food on their menus.  This goes beyond that.  This is not going to convince anyone to buy that plate of food.  Catfish smells even when it’s fresh.  How long are you going to let that sit there?  Moreover, there are thousands of people and children who are homeless and hungry in our city.  WTF Let’s Waste Perfectly Good Food Just Because We Want to Sell More Overpriced Salads?  

2.  What the…  are you wearing?   

 

This is an oldie but goody.  I was out at a suburban bar one night, which if you’ve never been, man – are they entertaining. One of the most entertaining things to do there is try to covertly take pictures of what I like to call “subfashion.”  See, out in the ‘burbs, they have a whole different sense of style.  It’s a little trying-too-hard, with a dash of 80’s and a sprinkle of the-fumes-from-the-nail-salon-have-burned-too-many-of-my-brain-cells.  So, here I was, minding my own business, sipping on my Sierra Nevada (which is the closest thing you can get to real beer in the ‘burbs) when all of a sudden THIS walks by.  THIS is the lady in the orange shirt.  I use the terms lady and shirt loosely here.  What may have been a shirt at one time is now sliced open down to her butt crack and tied together at the nape of her neck.  Well, hello back fat!  The best part?  It’s hard to tell in this photo, but she is wearing a bra.  Not a backless bra, a regular old tan-colored bra.  Yes, the strap is clearly exposed.  Let’s keep our undergarments UNDER and leave the designing to the DESIGNERS, eh?  WTF Ms. I Like Back Fat and I Cannot Lie?  

3.  What the… is that?   

  

  

There is a national campaign against meth.  Apparently just saying no is not enough anymore.  They have to use scare tactics and gross-outs to make their point.  Billboards displaying nasty, grimy restrooms say things like, “NO ONE THINKS THEY’LL LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY HERE. METH WILL CHANGE THAT.”  There are testimonials on the radio with young people talking about their teeth falling out and their best friends dying.  I get the point.  I understand the importance, but is there not a more tactful way to do this?  It’s like the pro-life truck with the graphics splashed all across it shouting at everyone from the freeway.  It doesn’t leave me feeling educated, it makes me want to vomit. You try explaining to a 4-year-old why there’s a bleeding baby on that truck.  WTF Was Wrong With Just Say No?  

 4.  What the… school do you go to?   

  

This past weekend, Biggie had a friend sleep over our house.  We were sitting in the living room, studying Biology because neither of the girls did well on their tests and the teacher was letting them do a make-up test.  Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local farm-to-table restaurant with a friend and the study of life sciences brought to mind something she had shared.  

Peeved:  Girls, do you know what I found out today?  When a chicken lays an egg, it’s not fertilized.  So, they really aren’t going to be baby chickens.  

Biggie:  They aren’t?  

Peeved:  No.  Isn’t that crazy?  I never knew that.  The rooster comes around afterwards and fertilizes them.  

Biggie:  Interesting.  So, I’m not eating an unborn baby chicken when I have eggs?  Good to know.  

Peeved:  Yeah, but what I can’t figure out… how does the rooster fertilize the eggs without breaking them?  

Biggie:  He probably just goes over and poops on them.  

Peeved:  Poops on them?  What?  Biggie you are so weird.  

Biggie:  Yes, he probably goes and takes a big crap on them.  That’s what fertilizer is, isn’t it?  Poop?  

Peeved:  You are SO going to those sex education classes they have at school.  

WTF Does the Rooster Do To Fertilize Those Eggs Anyway?  

 5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?   

 

Where exactly would these be appropriate attire? Do they come with a matching neon orange hat and a multi-color handbag with “STOP” written on the red side and “SLOW” written on the orange side?  WTF Inspired You To Make These Shoes – Paris Hilton on Adopt-A-Highway Community Service Duty? 

 6.  What the… is wrong with you? 

Fine.  You watch True Blood.  It’s a good show.  However, there are three things you should never do in life:  a) put a bumper sticker on your car; b) admit that you are obsessed with vampires and c) borrow your girlfriend’s car if she has violated edicts a) and b) noted previously.  Yes, folks, that was a man driving that car.  WTF Mr. You May Want to Ask For a Bike For Christmas?




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