Perpetually Peeved


Friday “the fa…?”

Okay, so I’m a total slack-ass and missed Wednesday “what the…?”  Readers (all 2 of you, you know who you are) can now stop stalking me for posts.  I’ve got plenty of stuff for you today, folks.  Get prepared for Friday “the fa…?” – it’s like Wednesdays, only better.  Remember that song by C&C Music Factory?  Start humming it.  Okay, now substitute “hmm” for “the fa?”  Now, keep that on in the background.  Here we go:

Actual nutritional label on the back of a can of mixed nuts.

In other news, coffee is hot and if you are allergic to shellfish you shouldn’t order the crabcake po’ boy.

This is what happened to all those dirtbags who used to smoke pot in the commons in high school.  Xfinity has locked them in a room and tasked them with writing movie previews.  The saddest part?  This is probably the most entertaining thing on television.

The following Friday “the fa?”s have been brought to you courtesy of a trip to the “country” (an hour and a half outside the big city) for some pumpkin picking and apple frittering…

Yep, I think this one speaks for itself.  If it doesn’t, pat yourself on the back you are a better person than me.

There is only one place this outfit would be even marginally acceptable: a walk for breast cancer.  A monochromatic jogging suit? A PINK monochromatic jogging suit?  Head-to-toe pink? A jogging suit to a family outing?  Replete with spring-action PINK Nikes?  Monochromatic sweats are not slimming.  They make you look pregnant when you are not.  They are not appropriate under all but the smallest of circumstances. At least it’s not velour (*cringe*).

When Just for Men goes bad...

Maybe he was just trying to be festive.  Or, maybe he was hoping the bozo haircolor would distract people enough to not realize he is carrying his wife’s purse.  At least, I hope that’s his wife’s purse.  Can you say “pumpkin-whipped?”

I will be blowing this up, cutting it out and hanging it on my wall for the Halloween party.  I like to call her “Frankenmom” – that hair puts Kate Gosselin to shame.  To shame.

Pumpkin roll, anyone?

Um… I think you put the emPHASIS on the wrong sylLABLE, or something like that.

Happy Friday y’all!



Wednesday “What the…?”

Okay, fine, so I tried not to steal anyone else’s Wednesday theme and I wound up doing it anyway.  Apparently, I like There is no “I” in team. But there are three “u”s in shut the fu*k up Facebook and that is why WTF Wednesday sounded so familiar.  So, with a slightly different title, I bring you the same BS as last week – things that make you go “What the…?” 

1.  What the… are you selling? 

On Saturday, I took the girls to the zoo in the morning.  When I got home that afternoon, I promptly dumped them with Mr. Peeved and made an excuse to get a little “me” time.  I steered clear of the DSW Shoe Warehouse (I’m being really good) and headed to the large antiques market near my house.  I love everything vintage and always keep my eye out for cool new stuff that appears in the market.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I was looking for an accordian wall sconce like the one from last Wednesday’s post.  I was not successful, however, I did find SOME treasures.  

Um, ouch. Boating accident?

 

This beauty was tucked into a shelf between two relatively pretty earthenware chotchkies.  Doesn’t anyone look at this stuff before they let people put it on the shelves.  If I participate in a consignment sale and if there is one tiny little stain, the item gets rejected.  Apparently, you can be down a ruby nipple and still get tagged for sale.  Would it really affect the value to just go to Michael’s and get this poor girl a replacement?  I felt like leaving my 50% off coupon next to it. 

If Tammy Faye Baker were a cross...

 

Oh for the love of…  what the ?… Is that a neon silk-flower cross ?  Yes, folks, that is exactly what it is.  Someone needs to lay off the communion wine.  At the very least, there should be a screening process for this stuff.  WTF Mr. One Man’s Junk is Another Man’s Junk? 

2.  What the…  are you wearing? 

  

This is a clipping of an article in the Atlanta-Journal Constitution.  This is supposed to be a fashion profile.   This girl looks like her house was on fire and she grabbed her favorite things and threw them all on at once.  I don’t have an issue with any one individual piece, but the outfit as a whole is shitballs.  Let’s review what’s going wrong here:  1) sandal flats and jeans that come down to your almost-ankles; 2) jeans that come down to your almost-ankles – are they capris or jeans? I smell an identity crisis and P.S. your hips hate them, too; 3) 6-inch cuffs on your jeans only works if you are a rockabilly and/or wearing Chucks; 4) have you never seen What Not to Wear?  Clinton and Stacey would have a heart attack – jeans should fall straight from the hips in order to be slimming; 5)  I don’t have any problem with the tops, but out of curiosity, what temperature is it outside? What season?  Because your hat and shoes say summer while your top and pants say winter.  WTF Ms. Someone Should Have Put a Black Bar Across My Face? 

3.  What the… is that? 

  

This is the cover of one of Biggie’s teenybopper magazines.  At first glance, I thought they were making fun of the heavier girls.  No?  Oh, I shouldn’t worry then?  It’s just a show on CBS?  Called “Huge”?  And, it’s about overweight people?  Okay, then.  WTF Ms. I Have No Pride and Will Let People Degrade Me for a Gig on Network TV?  Also, WTF Our Network Is So Insensitive We May As Well Be FOX News Pundits? 

4.  What the… school do you go to? 

 

I was reviewing Biggie’s schoolwork last night and came across a test.  The test was graded.  Yet, I have no earthly idea how she actually did on the test.  Why?  Because her school has switched to the IB system of grading.  Not the whole school, though.  And, not all her classes.  And, not all the classes have all the same number of levels for the grading.  So, I don’t know whether to ground her or not.  Just to be safe, I did.  WTF A, B, C, D, F Was Not A Good Enough System For Our School, School? 

5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from? 

When vanity plate shopping meets PBR guzzling.

 

Yes, that vanity plate says “YEEHA” and no, it’s not on a Bronco.  WTF Mr. Should Have Tied Your Lasso ‘Round a Real Truck? 

6.  What the… is wrong with you? 

 

Sunday afternoon, Smalls had a “fairy” birthday party to attend.  Needing to get some errands done, I left the house an hour and a half before we had to head to the party.  

Peeved:  Biggie, I will be back in one hour.  I need to go food shopping.  We need to leave the house for the fairy party at 2:30.  Please get your sister ready and be waiting for me when I get back.  Mr. Peeved is in the office if you need him. 

Biggie:  Okay, yeah, sure, mom. 

*** 

[Peeved walking in with her hands full of groceries] 

Biggie:  Mr. Peeved says you’re going to be mad at me. 

Peeved:  Why?  Are you not ready? 

Smalls: [twirling into the room]  Mommy, mommy, mommy, look, I’m a fairy! 

Peeved:  What the… 

Biggie:  She wanted it that way!  She said all fairies wear sparkly make-up. 

Peeved:  Yeah, Fairy Nightwalkers.  Geez, Biggie! 

*** 

I had to take my child to the fairy party looking like a two-bit fairy hooker.  WTF Biggie (who would run if she knew what was good for her)?




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