Filed under: Anti-Peeves | Tags: annoying, anti-peeve, children, danny devito, delta burke, drive me up the wall, grating, hot dogs, how to torture your preteen, lady ga ga, middle school dance, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, robert deniro, ruining my reputation, sarcastic, vent
As mentioned here on numerous occasion, Biggie is a torturer extraordinaire. Elevated from Jr. Secret Torture Agent to full-on, eye-rolling, foot-stomping, back-talking Secret Torture Agent once she officially turned 12, this girl is a handful. Which is why, when the school newsletter came out with an article asking for parent volunteers for the fall dance, I sent that “I’ll do it” email faster than you can say, “honey, get my shotgun.” Pass up the opportunity to keep an eye out (or as she likes to say, “spy”) on my middle-schooler? No way.
Seeing as I am in marketing, I sew, I throw parties, I make unique invitations, I take photos, I thought for sure I would get assigned a very cool task.
I receive a response to my email and with much anticipation, double-click to see what wonderful job I am going to be assigned and it’s….
wait for it…
wait for it…
photo courtesy of ontariocountyfair.org
… the CONCESSION STAND????
Peeved: Honey, you know how you told me to sign up for something for that dance at Biggie’s school?
Mr. Peeved: Yeah, I think it would be a good opportunity…
Peeved: I know, I know, to spy on her, but…
Mr. Peeved: … to NETWORK with the other parents, Peeved. And, to, you know, keep an eye out for boys dancing too close.
Peeved: Blah, blah, I got an email back – guess what I get to do for the dance?
Mr. Peeved: Decorations?
Peeved: No, the freaking concession stand.
Mr. Peeved: [insert 2.5 minutes of belly laughs here] How did you manage to get assigned the ONE THING you can’t do?
*****
Never one to let a wonderful opportunity pass me by, I decide to make the most of this. You know, when life hands you lemons, make limoncello.
Hey, if it's good enough for Danny Devito, it's good enough for me!
Overheard in the car on the way home from school yesterday:
Peeved: So, Biggie, you know that dance at your school this fall?
Biggie: Yeah…?
Peeved: Guess who’s going to be there.
Biggie: Mom. You are NOT going. Mom! No!
Peeved: Yep! And, guess what the best part is?
Biggie: This is not even funny. You will ruin my life. This is NOT a good joke. Mom. Mom!
Peeved: Oh, yeah, baby – concession stand!
Biggie: Wha? How? Huh? Mom. Mom! MOM! NO!!!!
Peeved: What’s the matter? I’m just going to stand around and say, “HAWT DAWGS, GET YER HAWT DAWGS!”
[Please imagine I sound like the lovechild of Delta Burke and Robert DeNiro after it has been dropped on it’s head a few times.]
Biggie: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! NO!!! SHUT UP!!! MOTHER!!!! NO!!!!
Smalls: Yeah, I’m gonna go too. Mommy, can we dance there?
Peeved: Oh shawr dahlin’! We’re gonna give away the hawt dawgs and dance to GaGa… “ga, ga, awl awl la la, ga ga, bad roooommmaaanncee…”
[Insert dancing of the Elaine variety.]
photo from tvscoop.tv
Biggie: No. Mom. You can’t do this. You will ruin my reputation.
Peeved: Aw shucks honey, I just wanna go enjoy myself. Maybe sell some hawt dawgs and see that cutie guy you like – what’s his name again? Connor? “CON-NER – is that you dahlin? Biggie just raves about how cute you are and ain’t she right… don’t you wanna come go ga ga for Ga Ga with me? ” Ga ga – awlalala…
Biggie: Mom. No! I don’t even like him anym… you have to be kidding. You’re kidding right? [hyperventilating] Oh my… no! No! No! No! You. Will. Ruin. My. Reputation.
*****
You know what I learned from my 12-year-old? Tenacity. I kept it going for another hour or so – horrendous accent and all. Back at the house:
Peeved: “Hawt Dawgs!” Oohh Lordy, child! Know what I’m gonna wear? Your mama is gonna look so purdy! I have just the thing.
Smalls: Oh, yeah, I’m gonna look pretty too, mommy. Can we wear dresses?
Peeved: Bet your britches we can, sugar!
Biggie: No. You have to stop. Don’t talk like that anymore. I need to call Friend. Why is Friend not answering? You are going to RUIN MY REPUTATION! You understand that, right?
Peeved: ga ga ow la wawl…
Smalls: cha cha bad romance… come on mom, let’s ruin her reputation! [insert mini-Elaine dance here]
Peeved: Oh yeah Smalls, get down!
*****
Peeved: Ta da! Sweetkins, doesn’t mommy look purdy?
Biggie: AHHHH!!! NO!!! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???? [door slam – in the bathroom for rest of evening]
Peeved: What’s the matter sugarbottom?
Biggie: I’m holding a funeral for my reputation.
Smalls: Yeah, ma! We ruined her reputation! Seriously.
I had changed into this dress and put my hair up Peg Bundy style:
What? It screams Ga Ga to me.
Ow-la-yo-la-la-ga-ga-romance…
Yes, revenge is sweet. Now, pass me my limoncello!
32 Comments so far
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Perpetually Peeved 
you are evil! I love it! I used to torture my mom in the grocery store…it was always worth it!
Comment by thelifeofjamie September 10, 2010 @ 4:47 pmo my god! that is too funny and had me in fits of laughter. haha. It’s different with boys- they don’t get as embarrased with you being around as long as you don’t acknowledge them. They actually want you around just in case they need money.
That sucks that you lost all of your subscriptions too! How odd.
Comment by Denise September 10, 2010 @ 4:51 pmSo true about the money. It seems everytime Biggie goes to the store with me I exceed my budget by at least 35%!
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:45 amOMG I just died of laughter! You are so evil.. yet I have so much to learn 🙂
Comment by pbandchutney September 10, 2010 @ 4:54 pmBy the time Smalls is Biggie’s age, I should be able to write a book on how to torture your children. Poor Smalls.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:46 am1. I love that song and now its stuck in my head. Thank you.
Comment by Brooke September 10, 2010 @ 4:54 pm2. I had no idea 12 year olds had reputations.
3. My DAd went to both my junior and senior proms. He brough his mac daddy camera and people actually thought I hired a photographer. I ignored him. But I got the best damn prom pictures ever.
4. Don’t back down – you’ll be the talk of the town with how you wield your wieners.
Oh – even better… Weiners! Get your Hawt Weiners Here!
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:46 amAnd you call da kid a real torturer? You could make Edgar Allen Poe and Vincent Price pee in pants with curse of the hot dawg lady.
Comment by Carl D'Agostino September 10, 2010 @ 5:09 pmApple never falls far from the tree, does it?
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:47 amOh that is good.I hope you do it, because that would make one awesome follow-up post. Especially if you had you’re mini-Elaine dancer with you. Great post!
Comment by The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife September 10, 2010 @ 5:18 pmI think I’m going to have to video the mini-Elaine dancer and post it. Especially because now I say, “What are we gonna do to Biggie’s reputation?” and she yells back, “RUIN IT!”
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:48 amGlad to see another parent get so much sadistic joy out of torturing their child! I love it! Definetly go the Peggy Bundy route!! 🙂
Comment by redriverpak September 10, 2010 @ 8:10 pmI think I’m gonna go with Peg Bundy with a hair net. I wouldn’t want the kids to get hair on their hawt dawgs, would I?
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:50 amWow the vengeance is so thick and tangible here you could package it up and keep some on hand for a rainy day. Sounds like the only thing left is to get a list of obscure pop culture references that none of her friends will understand. Gotta keep that generation disconnect as wide as possible.
Comment by alcotsirk September 10, 2010 @ 11:50 pmOh, trust me. The disconnect is wide and the list of obscure pop culture references is long. She probably doesn’t even know who Peg Bundy is.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:50 amHA! My parents would always say, “When I die, you’ll look back on this and be thankful I was apart of your life!” Yeah, good parental guilt+talk of future death=shut the hell up in my family! I don’t know which one I would have perfered… Although my Father really would have gone up to “Conner” and done something OH SO MEMORABLE!
Comment by lilmisscali September 11, 2010 @ 2:01 amI use that one too, but it doesn’t seem to rile her much. This one has her worried though. 😉
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:51 amMost of the tributes have already been said; evil indeed. But what reputation does biggie believe she has? Smartest mother?
Comment by gallowaygrave September 11, 2010 @ 2:26 amha ha ha ha oh, GG that was funny! I don’t know what kind of reputation a 12-year-old can have, but as long as it’s not “that” kind of reputation, I don’t think I really need to know.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:52 amAfter the dance, please let me know if they ended the whole thing by playing Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.” That’s how they always ended dances at my junior high–back in the very late 80’s mind you–because it’s such a long song, and by that time the chaperones weren’t paying attention, so there was a greater chance to get away with middle-school-type naughtiness. I just need to know if that’s a long-standing, universal thing.
Love the Elaine dance reference. Perfect.
Comment by Maura September 11, 2010 @ 11:55 pmDon’t you worry, I’ll go up there and request it if they don’t. We used to sing Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Now, that would be a good one to request!
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:53 amIsn’t it a perk of parenting to completely embarrass and humiliate your children? At least, that’s what my parents taught me when my dad popped out while my friends were over with my new training bra over his eyes while humming the tune to “The Lone Ranger.” Have fun at the dance, Peg.
Comment by Average Girl September 13, 2010 @ 10:44 amI have a parent-crush on your dad!
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:54 amThe fact that you are alive will humiliate your children until they are … nevermind, I’m breathing ergo a humiliation to daughters. Get down with your evil self!
Comment by izziedarling September 13, 2010 @ 6:56 pmYep, my mom STILL embarasses me everywhere I take her.
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:54 amI am so glad you weren’t my mom when I was a teenager. Then again, my parents (yes, plural) taught all of my friends. So I’m not sure what’s worse…you taunting your kid at a middle school dance or my dad coming to my 4th period (9th grade)class asking for lunch money.
Comment by katie o. September 13, 2010 @ 8:32 pmYour dad stole your lunch money?
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:55 ambahahaha!! BFF’s for life, I see comin’. Biggie may not see it yet… but it’s all in the making. Smalls too. Because you’re a cool-ass Mom. 🙂
Comment by Bonnie September 14, 2010 @ 11:41 pmThanks. At least someone thinks so. 🙂
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:55 amInsert evil laugh. You are waaaay kewl. And all the boys are going to want to hang out at the concession stand to be near you. That’ll learn her. 😉
Comment by Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson September 16, 2010 @ 12:38 amI’m going to give all the cute boys cokes so they like me. Then she won’t want to hang around them. As a matter of course, anything I like, she despises. I’m liking this evil torture thing…
Comment by perpetuallypeeved September 16, 2010 @ 10:57 am[…] Revenge of the Mom […]
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