Perpetually Peeved

The Catalogue

1.  Vegetarians who eat meat and other hypocrites (saying one thing and doing another)

2.  Welcome to Starsucks – I mean, Starbucks (leaky coffee lids and piss poor customer service)

3.  Maybe Momma should have named you Apple (people who spell their name wrong)

4.  That orange vest does wonders for your ego… (people that take their jobs too seriously)

5.  How to curse like a big girl (decaf potty mouth)

6.  Is that a banana seat up your ass or are you just trying to piss me off? (cyclists)

7. I don’t want to swallow it if tastes like freaking toothpaste (medicine tops that won’t open, medicine that tastes like mint, puking)

8. Who died and made you Padma Lakshmi? (douchebag Yelper wannabe food critics)

9. Does this truck make my penis look big? (men with small penises and the complexes they develop to cope)

10. Being late is so five minutes ago (being late, the people who are late constantly and the people who make you late constantly)

11. One more reason to rear-end you (stupid bumper stickers)

12. How to get blood from a stone (grocery shopping with children)

13. It’s called “shmear” for a reason (uneven cream cheese distribution and piss poor customer service)

14.  Actually, God is a puppy (the semantics of “finding” God/Jesus)

15.  U is for umbrella, useless (really, how the HELL do I get into my car without getting wet?)

16.  Adventures in housekeeping (rugrats who follow you around messing up everything you just cleaned)

17.  You’ll get back everything you ever did to me… why crazy is hereditary (being called crazy, turning into my mother)

18.  Keep your uterus to yourself, please (overshare, TMI)

19.  What? I can’t hear you, I have a drill bit in my ear (pop music fuckery)

20.  Forget Scooby, Velma – Where are you? (news pundits on Fox & Friends)

21.  Chain of peeve (FWDDDDDD emails, chain mail, random peeves)

22. Rollin’ in my 5.0 (douches)

23. Do you feel it now? (telemarketers, alarm salesmen, business consultants, Mediterranean procurers of the fountain of youth ala the Dead Sea, those pesky perfume ladies that make me sneeze just thinking about them, and the people who want me to stick my face in a germ-infested massage table hole so that they can rub me in public)

24.  Bloodsucking Secret Scientologists are Eating your Brains (vapid idiots who somehow managed to succeed in life)

25.  Grrrrr… (procrastinators who’s put-off projects become your priority)

26.  Booking Code: DIY 41 FFS (family who use me as their personal travel agency)

27.  Three strikes – you’re out! (people who use tragedies/disasters for their own personal PR/gain)

28.  Thank you sir, may I have another? (Inappropriate attire marketed to pre-teens)

29.  Bumper Stumpers Revisited (Vanity plates – and my complete inability to figure them out)

30. Oh no you donut (Food etiquette – i.e. keep your paws off my chocolate frosted)

31. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye (especially if that eye is the one you are supposed to be keeping on your kids — bad parenting)

32. Spam is only good in fried rice (spam – the electronic variety)

33. Sit down and shut(ter) up (disrupting the movie – silence is golden)

34. Read my thoughts: Leave me alone (book etiquette – don’t ask me what I’m reading and don’t stick boogers in library books)

35. Egads, even the Pepto is pink! (gender bias, gender segregation)

36. Bite me, please (don’t take my picture, I might break your camera)

37. This indecision’s bugging me (when not going for it bites you in the ass)

38. For the price of a cup of coffee (paying a premium to make your own coffee)

39. Mission: Accomplished (how your family can tell you the “truth” and not worry about sparing your feelings)

40. We interrupt this program (people that don’t wash their hands)

41. Sit. Stay. (people that are always in a rush)

42. Edward Cullen almost got me knifed (“holding” seats at a movie theater)

43. You say today is Saturday? (being late, false alarms)

44. Dear Honda (road trips with children)

45. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. (feeling old)

46. So there I was…(how to properly tell a story, family reunions)

47. Can I ask a totally stupid question? (totally stupid questions)

48. To-do or not To-do – How ’bout F.U.? (to-do lists that keep growing even though you keep doing)

49. Tits on a trunk (skinny bitches)

50. You say it’s your birthday (crazy mothers and people that can’t remember your birthday)

51. Don’t hold your breath (people who disappoint you)

52. You can’t handle the truth (backstabbers and people who call you a bitch just ’cause you’re honest)

53. I POOP (top 5 road peeves)

54. I’m so not sure (people with odors, fat people on planes)

55. Someone is happy… (inconvenient conveniences)

56. Come se dice “SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE” (loud, obnoxious talkers – especially ones that are speaking another language)

57. Gag me with a spoon (over-used phrases)

58. Christmas in July (underbidding my “guess how much” game)

59.  This isn’t fecking Neverland (work/office kitchens)

60. While I was sleeping… (over-eating)

61.  Bit in the ass (karma – THAT bitch; bad day)

62. Word of the day: audacity (idea stealers)

63. What we have here, is a failure to communicate (WHAT did you just say?)

64.  So funny I forgot to laugh… (Stop.  You’re not funny.)

65.  Midget, smidget – I have an office creeper (censoring myself; creepy people)

66.  And the loser is… (mindless, brainwashed American society who would rather watch Jersey Shore than actually go to the beach)

67. Lights, Action, Consequence (bad parents, enablers)

68. Lay off the Fritos, Fatass. (no such thing as idiot-proof)

69. Stupid is as stupid emotes 🙂 ❤ (inappropriate emoticons – a/k/a step away from the smiley face)

70. Of feet and flan (feet – in general and hygiene)

71. Mommy’s Law (must they need things ALL the time?)

72. I’ve got a bridge… (Idiots Americans will buy anything)

73. The downward dog did it (farting in public and other elephants in the room)

74. Low Brow, But I Rock a Little Know-How (bad eyebrows)

75. Emily and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad, Horrible Day (bad days)

76. Revenge of the Mom (embarrassing parents)

77. Gone fishing…(when people take personal hygiene public)

78. 10 things I learned from camping…(family vacations)

79. Forces of Nature (shopping – especially with my family)

80. Cleaning house (cleaning the house/budgets)

81. Putting the “I” in “Team” (men and their obsession with boobs)

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