Filed under: General Peevery | Tags: annoying, austin powers, bender, bite me, camera, carrot top, douche, drive me up the wall, facebook, fat bastard, grating, kathy griffin, looking fat in pictures, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeves, picking my nose, pictures, sarcastic, sierra nevada, tagging, vampires, vent
No, really. If there are any legit vamps out there, please come to my house and bite me. Sure, I would have to live forever with daily peeves, and I would be a little pale, but I already deal with both those things on a regular basis. Besides, it would all be worth it if I never had to worry about appearing in a single picture ever again.
I’m not saying I don’t like any pictures that are taken of me, I just despise 99.5% of them. Because, 99.5% of them look like someone re-sized without locking the aspect ratio (i.e. I look like I’ve gained 20 pounds). I apparently also have blowfish in my genes because everytime the shutter of a camera closes, the skin beneath my chin inflates to twice it’s normal size. I swear, I do not look like the Fat Bastard from Austin Powers when I check myself out in the mirror, but lo and behold, when the pictures come back the resemblemce is scary.
There are so many stupid laws out in universe, I think we should add another. Because, while it isn’t a matter of national security, I have an ego to protect. No one should be allowed to post pictures of me without my permission. They certainly should not be allowed to tag them and post them to Facebook for the world to see. Especially not without context. Take, for example, the lovely picture of me below where it would appear I am picking my nose. My sister posted this on Facebook.
I won’t even try to explain the context because it was one of those things that was only funny if you were there. It may or may not have something to do with the Sierra Nevada in the foreground. Regardless, my family, friends and high school stalkers don’t need to see it. Thankyouverymuch.
The law would extend to group photos as well. I don’t care if it’s the best picture ever taken of you. If I have my eyes closed or crossed, my arms look like flounders or I look like I just smelled a fart, you are restricted from ever letting anyone see the photo. Certainly, you should not frame it and put it in your living room or make it your avatar just because you look cute. Cut yourself out. Having a framed photo of yourself is bad, but not nearly as bad as having a framed photo of you looking cute while your friend looks like a pre-surgery Kathy Griffin on a bender.
Speaking of benders, the fines will double if you post and tag a picture of me out drinking. You never know if I had a “doctor’s appointment” conveniently scheduled for the next morning. Also, chances are if I’m drinking, I’m also wearing some form of embarrassing attire.
What do you mean vampires can’t eat? I’m out. I’ll just go start an online petition for that privacy law. If you don’t like it, bite me.
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