Perpetually Peeved


Bite me, please

No, really.  If there are any legit vamps out there, please come to my house and bite me.  Sure, I would have to live forever with daily peeves, and I would be a little pale, but I already deal with both those things on a regular basis.  Besides, it would all be worth it if I never had to worry about appearing in a single picture ever again.

I’m not saying I don’t like any pictures that are taken of me, I just despise 99.5% of them.  Because, 99.5% of them look like someone re-sized without locking the aspect ratio (i.e. I look like I’ve gained 20 pounds).  I apparently also have blowfish in my genes because everytime the shutter of a camera closes, the skin beneath my chin inflates to twice it’s normal size.  I swear, I do not look like the Fat Bastard from Austin Powers when I check myself out in the mirror, but lo and behold, when the pictures come back the resemblemce is scary.

Photo courtesy of liveauctioneers.com

There are so many stupid laws out in universe, I think we should add another.  Because, while it isn’t a matter of national security, I have an ego to protect.  No one should be allowed to post pictures of me without my permission.  They certainly should not be allowed to tag them and post them to Facebook for the world to see.  Especially not without context.  Take, for example, the lovely picture of me below where it would appear I am picking my nose. My sister posted this on Facebook.

I won’t even try to explain the context because it was one of those things that was only funny if you were there.  It may or may not have something to do with the Sierra Nevada in the foreground.  Regardless, my family, friends and high school stalkers don’t need to see it.  Thankyouverymuch.

The law would extend to group photos as well.  I don’t care if it’s the best picture ever taken of you.  If I have my eyes closed or crossed, my arms look like flounders or I look like I just smelled a fart, you are restricted from ever letting anyone see the photo.  Certainly, you should not frame it and put it in your living room or make it your avatar just because you look cute.  Cut yourself out.  Having a framed photo of yourself is bad, but not nearly as bad as having a framed photo of you looking cute while your friend looks like a pre-surgery Kathy Griffin on a bender.

Oh, wait, that's Carrot Top. Is that joke old yet? I think not. (Photo from http://meatcandy.wordpress.com/2009/06/, which I am glad I stumbled across).

Speaking of benders, the fines will double if you post and tag a picture of me out drinking.  You never know if I had a “doctor’s appointment” conveniently scheduled for the next morning.  Also, chances are if I’m drinking, I’m also wearing some form of embarrassing attire.

What do you mean vampires can’t eat?  I’m out.  I’ll just go start an online petition for that privacy law.  If you don’t like it, bite me.

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10 Comments so far
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Omygosh! You may have been in great danger here in this picture. The guy in the brown shirt behind you looks a lot like Cornell Flakes the cereal killer. Basic MO, back to the wall facing entry door, surrounded by others who’ll take the bullet and looking inconspicuous. And it sure looks like breakfast time which is precisely when he usually strikes. He is provoked when the bananas are stale or the orange juice is warm. Obviously you made it and good for you!

Comment by carldagostino

D’Ag. You scare me. I would never drink a beer with breakfast. (Okay, I should probably never say never, but still.)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

The link don’t work!

Comment by davehambo

Ah, crap. It’s just a link back to something you’ve already read anyway! 🙂 Will go fix. Thanks for letting me know.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I, too, look much better in 3D than I do in the 2D world of photographs.
Every time I see “so-and-so has tagged you in a photo” I cringe. I’ve un-tagged myself from unflattering photos and then sent the “friend” a nasty message. I don’t care if it’s your wedding picture, I look like a cow! Take it down!

Comment by Amy

Seriously. I’m thinking of taking and hoarding hideous pics of my friends to use in tagging retribution on FB.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Your funny! I like it! Reminds me of well, me! Only you seem to relay your thoughts much more clearly then I and your probably not nearly as intoxicated! Good work!

Comment by lilmisscali

Thank you, but I don’t know about the intoxicated part…

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Rule #1 Never ever have your photo taken with a flash. The flash only highlights double chins, gray hairs and plastic surgery scars 😦

Psst I you are gonna get bitten by a vampire make sure it’s before you get cellulite or directly after liposuction.

Comment by frigginloon

As usual Loon, great advice! But, I think I’m a day late and a dollar short on the cellulite front.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved




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