Filed under: General Peevery, Parenting | Tags: annoying, crazy family, crazy friends, drive me up the wall, grating, how to tell if you're psychic, mother, nervous breakdown, peeve, pet peeve, pet peeves, psychic, sarcastic, vent
Psychics. If you are one, you’ll know I’m about to say – you can skip to the comments and chew me out.
If you ever watched Montel Williams, you’ll know most psychics are a bunch of BS. They get little bits and pieces of information and spin them to suckers who ooh and ahh about their talents. OHMYGODHESTOTALLYPSYCHIC! Save it. I don’t believe in psychics, I don’t believe in ghosts and I don’t believe in horoscopes. (I am extremely superstitious, however, so I just knocked wood.)
Friday night found me and the girls hanging out at my sister, AJenda’s house. We were sitting around her dining room table having dinner with her husband (who,much to her disappointment, is not Bon Jovi) and my mother. Mom has always had the most interesting friends. From the rockstar’s hairdresser wife to the down-and-out dog breeding mother of six, to the guy in line next to her at the supermarket. She sure knows how to pick ’em. Recently, she has started hanging out with the self-proclaimed “gays” – a gentlemen couple that lives in her townhouse complex. One of “the gays” is a psychic. A very powerful psychic. My mother is his medium/channel/what-have-you. I wish I were making this up.
A redacted version of the conversation (because my mother threatened to take a wooden spoon to me if one word of this “makes it on that damn blog of yours”):
Ma: So, OneOfTheGays, he’s a very strong psychic. Very strong. I told you this. You aren’t even going to believe this.
Peeved: Oh God. Pass the wine, please.
NotBonJovi: Here, Peeved. You may want to keep that near you.
Ma: Yeah, oh yeah. This is creepy. You aren’t going to believe this. So, he had a vision.
Peeved: Blarbedy, blarbedy.
Ma: I am serious! He had a vision and I know it’s for real.
AJenda: How do you know it’s for real?
Ma: Well, the vision took place here, in this house. And…
Peeved: Dun! Dun! Dun!
Ma: Knock it off! I’m serious Peeved! Just because you don’t believe in this shit doesn’t mean it’s not true!
AJenda: Yeah, let her finish, Peeved. (kick under the table, refill of wine glass) How do you know it’s real, Ma?
Ma: Because. He knew when you walked in the house the stairway was right in front of the door to the left and that it has beige carpet.
Peeved: Dun! Dun! Dun! Every house with two stories in suburbia has beige carpet on the stairs and most are right when you walk in the door. It was a lucky guess.
Ma: Oh yeah? Well, how did he know it was on the left? And, how did he know she had stairs?
NotBonJovi: C’mon, Ma. Really? I don’t believe in all that. Lucky guesses.
Peeved: Yeah, or the picture you have of AJenda’s kids on the stairs that’s sitting on your mantle.
Ma: I don’t have a picture of the kids on the stairs…
AJenda: Yes, you do, mom.
Ma: Well, regardless. There’s more… OneofTheGays, he’s not the only one who’s psychic. Your mom’s no slouch, you know.
Peeved: NotBonJovi, grab that wine from AJenda, I’m going to need it.
Later that evening, I was somehow manipulated into putting the lights on AJenda’s Christmas tree. (One day, I will figure out how she managed to harness the power of manipulation and wield it like Wonder Woman with a lasso.) Plug the lights in. Untangle the lights. Pull the tree out from the wall. Start to wrap the lights around the tree by walking around it in circles. AJenda is “supervising” and Ma is sitting back and keeping track of all the spots she’ll have to go back in and fix later.
AJenda: It looks great, Peeved! Doesn’t it look great, Ma?
Ma: Well, I don’t know, there’s a little empty spot right there…
Peeved: We can adjust it once I’m done.
Ma: Oh, AJenda, go and take that candelabra off the wall there. Peeved is going to hit her head on it.
Peeved: It’s fine, Ajenda, don’t get up. I’ve been around the tree five times already.
AJenda: She’s fine, Ma.
Peeved: (hitting head on candelabra) OUCH! Son-of-a!
Ma: See. I told you I’m psychic.
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