Perpetually Peeved


If you were my mother, you’d already know what this post is about

Psychics.  If you are one, you’ll know I’m about to say – you can skip to the comments and chew me out.

If you ever watched Montel Williams, you’ll know most psychics are a bunch of BS.  They get little bits and pieces of information and spin them to suckers who ooh and ahh about their talents.  OHMYGODHESTOTALLYPSYCHIC!  Save it.  I don’t believe in psychics, I don’t believe in ghosts and I don’t believe in horoscopes.  (I am extremely superstitious, however, so I just knocked wood.)

photo from funnyaussiesigns.com

Friday night found me and the girls hanging out at my sister, AJenda’s house.  We were sitting around her dining room table having dinner with her husband (who,much to her disappointment, is not Bon Jovi) and my mother.  Mom has always had the most interesting friends.  From the rockstar’s hairdresser wife to the down-and-out dog breeding mother of six, to the guy in line next to her at the supermarket.  She sure knows how to pick ’em.  Recently, she has started hanging out with the self-proclaimed “gays” – a gentlemen couple that lives in her townhouse complex.  One of “the gays” is a psychic.  A very powerful psychic.  My mother is his medium/channel/what-have-you.  I wish I were making this up.

A redacted version of the conversation (because my mother threatened to take a wooden spoon to me if one word of this “makes it on that damn blog of yours”):

Ma:  So, OneOfTheGays, he’s a very strong psychic.  Very strong.  I told you this.  You aren’t even going to believe this.

Peeved:  Oh God.  Pass the wine, please.

NotBonJovi:  Here, Peeved.  You may want to keep that near you.

Ma:  Yeah, oh yeah.  This is creepy.  You aren’t going to believe this.  So, he had a vision.

Peeved:  Blarbedy, blarbedy.

Ma:  I am serious!  He had a vision and I know it’s for real.

AJenda: How do you know it’s for real?

Ma:  Well, the vision took place here, in this house.  And…

Peeved:  Dun! Dun! Dun!

Ma:  Knock it off!  I’m serious Peeved!  Just because you don’t believe in this shit doesn’t mean it’s not true!

AJenda:  Yeah, let her finish, Peeved. (kick under the table, refill of wine glass)  How do you know it’s real, Ma?

Ma:  Because.  He knew when you walked in the house the stairway was right in front of the door to the left and that it has beige carpet.

Peeved:  Dun! Dun! Dun!  Every house with two stories in suburbia has beige carpet on the stairs and most are right when you walk in the door.  It was a lucky guess.

Ma:  Oh yeah?  Well, how did he know it was on the left?  And, how did he know she had stairs?

NotBonJovi:  C’mon, Ma.  Really?  I don’t believe in all that.  Lucky guesses.

Peeved:  Yeah, or the picture you have of AJenda’s kids on the stairs that’s sitting on your mantle.

Ma:  I don’t have a picture of the kids on the stairs…

AJenda:  Yes, you do, mom.

Ma:  Well, regardless.  There’s more…  OneofTheGays, he’s not the only one who’s psychic.  Your mom’s no slouch, you know.

Peeved:  NotBonJovi, grab that wine from AJenda, I’m going to need it.

*****

Mom's Christmas Gift (get yours at amazon.com)

Later that evening, I was somehow manipulated into putting the lights on AJenda’s Christmas tree.  (One day, I will figure out how she managed to harness the power of manipulation and wield it like Wonder Woman with a lasso.)  Plug the lights in.  Untangle the lights.  Pull the tree out from the wall.  Start to wrap the lights around the tree by walking around it in circles.  AJenda is “supervising” and Ma is sitting back and keeping track of all the spots she’ll have to go back in and fix later.

AJenda:  It looks great, Peeved!  Doesn’t it look great, Ma?

Ma:  Well, I don’t know, there’s a little empty spot right there…

Peeved:  We can adjust it once I’m done.

Ma:  Oh, AJenda, go and take that candelabra off the wall there.  Peeved is going to hit her head on it.

Peeved:  It’s fine, Ajenda, don’t get up.  I’ve been around the tree five times already.

AJenda:  She’s fine, Ma.

Peeved:  (hitting head on candelabra)  OUCH!  Son-of-a!

Ma:  See.  I told you I’m psychic.

 

It must run in the family. I had this sudden vision of a headache the next day. Although, whether from the wine or the run-in with the candelabra, I'll never know. (photo: indietravelpodcast.com)

 

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26 Comments so far
Leave a comment

LMAO! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂

Comment by TheIdiotSpeaketh

It’s the least I can do for someone that makes me laugh every day! 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Ah, family. I think that alcoholism isn’t passed down in the DNA but is adopted on purpose just to survive being a member of the family.

“OneOfTheGays” – too funny!
Awesome post, Peeved!

Comment by Amy

Yes. You need to be inebriated to make it through more than 5 minutes. We put the drunk in disfunctional! (Hey, that’s not how that quote goes…)

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I have psychic powers. As soon as I step outside to light a cigarette it makes the phone ring. As soon as I pay off the credit card I make the car break down or the refridge blow up. If the 1-3-8 or the 1-6-8 hits for a few hunnert bucks my daughter will call and/or my son will call and say “Hey, Dad. I was thinking about how much I love you. By the way can you shoot me a quick coupla hunnert dallas?”So see they have psychic powers too. I can also guarantee that it will not snow in Miami this winter. Dolphins in the playoffs? Negative side of iffy.

Comment by carldagostino

Don’t forget as soon as you go to the restroom, the food comes.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I agree with Amy.
And thanks for the laugh. Notbonjovi made me giggle through the tears of my shitty ass day. Thanks.

Comment by Melissa

Oh no. No tears allowed!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I knew, after reading this article, that I’d probably write something here, then go over to Melissa’s blog.

Somewhere, someone you love is…is…is smelling something. It is…I’m sensing revere ware…dinner!

Comment by omawarisan

Hmphf. If it was me cooking, the only thing they’d be smelling was smoke.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

This is awesome. I have family members who would probably love to chat with your mother about their ‘visions’.
Like you, I can usually be found during those conversations with a bottle of wine and eyes rolling out of my face.

Comment by wanderingmenace

One day, I’m going to have to have my corneas surgically removed from the top of my eye sockets.

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I’m thinking your and my mom would be great friends. 🙂

Comment by Bonnie

I hope you have a membership to the wine of the month club. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Psychic gays? Why not? Gay that is, not sidekicks!

Comment by gallowaygrave

Well, only oneofthegays is psychic. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

So, um, I have these lights that need hanging…if you know anyone who wants to help.

Comment by thoughtsappear

No ma’am. I’m not falling for that one again!

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

I don’t know which part I like best. The part where your mom calls her new friend “oneofthegays” or the fact that you titled your BIL “Not Bon Jovi.”

Comment by Brooke

Not Bon Jovi. I’m still laughing.

Comment by The Cheeky Bride

I just hope he is. 😉

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Bwahaha! NotBonJovi! Lovin’ it.

Hmm… no to psychics and horoscopes… How do you feel about acupuncture?

Xo,
Bridget and the Girls with Prius Envy

Comment by Prius Envy

I don’t believe in psychics either… it’s a load of bull. An educated guess is more like it!

Comment by Melissa Picard

I’m not really sure why I did it but I read a book about Cold Reading recently that covered all the little tricks that psychics use. It was pretty interesting. Most people only remember the “hits” but not the misses… that is why people believe them.

NotBonJovi is a great nickname!

Comment by tryityoumightlikeit

Hmm… sounds like a good Christmas gift to give to my mother along with her new degree. 🙂

Comment by perpetuallypeeved

Certainly not Bon Jovi, more like Meatloaf, but that’s my cross to bear. What a crazy conversation that was, at least the gyros were tasty!

Comment by NotBonJovi




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