Perpetually Peeved

Welcome to Starsucks – I mean, Starbucks

I realize that Starbucks is a mecca for douchebags.  That is probably why I find myself inexplicably drawn there on a regular basis.  That, and the fact that they not-so-secretly put in 2x the caffeine of any normal coffee beverage.  Ah, if only I could open a business where I could make the customers physically dependent and actually addicted to my product…  I’ll have to think on that some more later.

I know what you’re thinking –  you know where this peeve is headed… $5 coffees, yada, yada.  No, you’re wrong.  It doesn’t matter these days where you go, a regular old cup of Joe is going to be completely overpriced at $.25 an ounce.  Me pissed off at the corporate-ness of it all?  No, wrong again.  Remember, I’m a PC-free personality.  If you have it and I want it, I don’t really care who had to die/work in a sweatshop/leave their family in another country to make it.

What really pisses me off about Starbucks is the fact that they can’t make a GD coffee lid that does not leak steaming hot coffee all over the place.  I mean, come on people, we have sent astronauts to the moon, have built supsension bridges longer than 5,000 feet and can fit a computer in the palm of our hands.  Surely, there is an engineer out there somewhere that can devise a lid that you don’t have to place at exactly the right angle to prevent your latte from dripping in your lap.  It’s not freaking rocket science!

Another thing — and, I warn you this is pettier than the last — how hard is it to leave me room for cream?  Why, why, why, do I have to constantly dump a half inch of my coffee into the trash?  Surely you don’t want to clean that up.  Even worse is when you ASK me if I want room for cream and still manage to fill it all the way up to the brim.  What the hell did you ask me for then?  This here will throw me into a fit of absolute rage.

If you’re going to make me pay exorbanant amounts of money and force me to order my cup size in some bullshit, brainwashed, corporate-speak, then the least you can do is make my damn coffee right (it’s not like I’m even asking you to put the cream in – heaven forbid).  Maybe, as an added bonus, you could make sure it doesn’t drip down the back of my hand and onto my clothes.  Starbucks, my ass, more like Starsucks.  If I wasn’t so addicted, I would tell you stick a non-fat, no-whip, mocha, venti, chai latte up your… what? Mermaid tail?  Oh, Christ.

2 Comments so far
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“Starsucks”….very well put! To bad I’m one of the douchbag addicts too!

Comment by JAY-O

[…] buy snuggies; why fat people ride bikes; why douches don’t realize they’re douches; why Starbucks employees keep asking me if I want room for cream and then not giving it to me – it’s a long list.  However, it appears to be longer than any of us could have […]

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