Perpetually Peeved


You’re kidding me, right?

I don’t usually pay much mind to the Golden Globe nominations, but earlier today someone posted a prediction poll. Out of curiosity, I checked it out. Of all the movies nominated, I had seen three. Inception, Despicable Me, and… Burlesque. Yes, Burlesque. Here’s something to vote on: what is worse? A) the fact that I saw Burlesque in the theater, or B) the fact that the Golden Globes nominated it without even the excuse of an adamant sister and the bribe of a few beers?

Grease? Yes. Chicago? Yes. Moulin Rouge? Hell yes. Burlesque? Bob Fosse just sashayed in his grave.

Tonight, having been ousted from my room by a Care Bear Movie infatuated four-year-old and booted off the computer by a boy infatuated twelve-year-old, I decided to indulge in a little guilty pleasure: House Hunters International. Don’t judge. At least I don’t yell at the TV like my mom does when the idiots pick the wrong house. Besides, it could be worse… last night it was Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Oy vey! Anywho… I’m minding my own business and out of nowhere – BAM! – exactly how low we as Americans have stooped slaps me in the face. Vanilla Ice has his own show. No, wait. Vanilla Ice has his own home improvement show. Bob Villa just turned over in his grave.

What? He’s not dead yet? Did you hear that? (dun dun dun dun na na na…) That’s him putting the finishing touches on his custom coffin and getting the table saw ready.

Lord help us all.

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Wednesday “What the…?”

Yesterday was full of weird stuff I didn’t have pictures of.  Today, I’ve got proof.  It’s the weird, wacky, wondrous, Wednesday “What the…?” – Enjoy, folks.

1.  What the… are you trying to say?

That might be hard to read, let me tell you what it says.

          XXXXXXXX@YAHOO.COM

          Is this a valid email address for you (for your protection, the email address has been partially masked)?

Um, there is no X in my email address.  So, by partially masked do you mean completely obscured?  WTF Your Security Levels Are So High You Even Tell Me I Got My Father’s Middle Name Wrong On The Security Questions?

2.  What the… are you wearing?

Have you ever been going through old photographs and come across something that makes you go WTF?  Well, here’s a classic case.  Even Smalls is trying to figure out what’s going on there.  I guess stereotypes have to come from somewhere.  WTF Mr. I Buy My Outfits Out Of a Catalog Called DING!DING!DING!?

3.  What the… is that?

I sure hope they’re paying you.  WTF Hello Krazy Kitty?

4.  What the… kind of school do you go to?

(driving home from school yesterday)

Biggie:  Aren’t you going to ask me what new Connections (this is a fancy word for electives) I got today.

Peeved:  Sure, but the last 3 times I asked you, you told me you didn’t know yet and to stop asking you.

Biggie: Well, I got Music Appreciation and Family and Consumer Science.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?  That sounds cool.  What’s that?  Budgets and stuff?

Biggie:  No.  You cook stuff and you get to carry around an egg and stuff and, like, pretend it’s a baby.  It’s really cool.

Peeved:  You mean you got Home Ec.

Biggie:  No, it’s called Family and Consumer Science.  Home Ec is, like, when they teach you budgets and stuff.  They don’t call it that anymore, Mom.

Peeved:  Family and Consumer Science?

Biggie:  Yes.

Peeved:  Where’s the science in it?

Biggie:  Cooking is science.  And, so is having babies.

Peeved:  Sounds like Home Ec to me.

Why does everything have to have a fancy name now?  It’s no longer English, it’s Language Arts.  It’s not Gym, it’s Exercise Science.  WTF Fancy Pants School – Why Don’t You Try Teaching Them How Eggs Get Fertilized Now That You’re Calling It Science?

5.  What the… kind of backwater town are you from?

 
 

This is what you get when you cross a mullet with a helmet bang.

 

 When wearing flip-flops with pants and no pedicure is the least offensive thing you’ve got going on, you’ve got issues.  WTF Ms. I’m So Country Even My Hairdo Is Inbred?

6.  What the… is wrong with you?

Some days, I wish I had one of those jobs that don’t do random drug testing.  You know, like pizza delivery guy, waiter, Xfinity writer, garbage man.  Either someone likes to wake and bake, or they have a sick sense of humor.  WTF Is Afroman Doing As My Garbageman?

I’ve got $50 that says the owner of the gold Toyota would, in fact, jump off a bridge if all of his friends did first.  WTF Doublemint Douches?



Wednesday “What the…?”

These Wednesdays just keep getting here quicker.  While our daily dose of WTF is fun, I don’t want you to think I’m not peeved enough lately.  In fact, I’m posting this from my iPhone right now because the douche otherwise known as Comcast – sorry, Xfinity – is incapable of providing me continuous service despite the fact that I provide them with continuous (over)payments.  I don’t know if you’ve ever typed a long message on an iPhone before, but I liken it to having a bad case of bad diarrhea and cheap toilet paper.  In other words, a pain in the ass.  That said, here we go…

1.  What the… Are You Selling?

WTF Was Wrong With Some Bodywash and a Loofah?

2.  What the… Are You Wearing?

Last night, Mr. Peeved was helping me out and decided that if the kids laid out their clothes for the next day, it would make my life easier in the morning.  A good theory.  The problem here is in the execution.  The pic above is of the outfit I pulled off the dresser this morning.  First, it is October 20th.  And, while we are having a bit of an Indian Summer here in the South, a short-sleeved shirt and mini skirt may be pushing it a bit.  Second, and most importantly, a green shirt, a jean skirt that has red piping, aqua socks and clownfish shoes – yep, I’m pretty sure when you look up “clash” in the dictionary this is the image you see.  His defense?  “She picked it out herself.”  Mmm-hmm.  Thank the heavens I was too mortified to actually let her wear it.  It was picture day and I had forgotten.  WTF Mr. Bet Your Parents Blamed Your Bad Outfits and Bowl Cuts on You, Too?

3.  What the…  is that?

As seen outside the local strip club.

Yes, breakfast at the strip club.  WTF Kind of Idiot Would Order the Crabcake Benedict?

4. What the… is wrong with this picture?

I don’t actually do any physical activity (unless you count running my mouth), but isn’t protein powder supposed to help you gain weight?  WTF Mr. Unless You Are Smuggling Out A Can of That Crap Under Your Shirt, I Really Don’t Think You Need To Be Buying It?

Eyelift? Check.  Thinned out nose? Check.  Plumped up lips? Check.  Hmm… no, something tells me the girl who would buy this shirt wouldn’t have stopped there.  WTF Would Possess Someone To Wear This Shirt Besides a Sponsorship Deal to Buy Some New Boobs?

WTF Mr. I Bet You Like To Think Outside the Box and Color Outside the Lines, Too?

Can you say “creepy?”  WTF Is That Doll Looking At?



Friday “the fa…?”

Okay, so I’m a total slack-ass and missed Wednesday “what the…?”  Readers (all 2 of you, you know who you are) can now stop stalking me for posts.  I’ve got plenty of stuff for you today, folks.  Get prepared for Friday “the fa…?” – it’s like Wednesdays, only better.  Remember that song by C&C Music Factory?  Start humming it.  Okay, now substitute “hmm” for “the fa?”  Now, keep that on in the background.  Here we go:

Actual nutritional label on the back of a can of mixed nuts.

In other news, coffee is hot and if you are allergic to shellfish you shouldn’t order the crabcake po’ boy.

This is what happened to all those dirtbags who used to smoke pot in the commons in high school.  Xfinity has locked them in a room and tasked them with writing movie previews.  The saddest part?  This is probably the most entertaining thing on television.

The following Friday “the fa?”s have been brought to you courtesy of a trip to the “country” (an hour and a half outside the big city) for some pumpkin picking and apple frittering…

Yep, I think this one speaks for itself.  If it doesn’t, pat yourself on the back you are a better person than me.

There is only one place this outfit would be even marginally acceptable: a walk for breast cancer.  A monochromatic jogging suit? A PINK monochromatic jogging suit?  Head-to-toe pink? A jogging suit to a family outing?  Replete with spring-action PINK Nikes?  Monochromatic sweats are not slimming.  They make you look pregnant when you are not.  They are not appropriate under all but the smallest of circumstances. At least it’s not velour (*cringe*).

When Just for Men goes bad...

Maybe he was just trying to be festive.  Or, maybe he was hoping the bozo haircolor would distract people enough to not realize he is carrying his wife’s purse.  At least, I hope that’s his wife’s purse.  Can you say “pumpkin-whipped?”

I will be blowing this up, cutting it out and hanging it on my wall for the Halloween party.  I like to call her “Frankenmom” – that hair puts Kate Gosselin to shame.  To shame.

Pumpkin roll, anyone?

Um… I think you put the emPHASIS on the wrong sylLABLE, or something like that.

Happy Friday y’all!



WTF Wednesday

These days, a lot of bloggers will have a theme or a meme one day a week.  Wednesday seems to be a popular day, with two of my favorites being White Trash Wednesdays over at You Are What You Eat… or Reheat and Wine on Wednesdays over at Fix It Or Deal.  Well, I don’t want to rip off either of these fine ladies and I’m not good at keeping my yapper shut for Wordless Wednesdays, so I’m coming up with my own theme for today.  I’m also scatter-brained and can’t quite get my shit together today, so this will be a great excuse for an ADD-infused post.  

My theme?  Why, you guessed it:  WTF Wednesday.  This will be a random selection of things that made me go “WTF?” this week.  Plucked fresh from my hostility log. 

1.  WTF are you selling, then? 

From their most recent catalog on westelm.com

See that really cool wall sconce?  The accordion kind that swivels and looks antique?  I’ve been looking for one of those forever.  It had to be bronze, because my bedroom furniture is antique and it needs to match.  It had to be accordion so that I could pull it out to read at night.  And, it had to be swivel, so that I could use it at my vanity when putting on make up in the morning.  In other words, this wall sconce is perfect.  I’m ready to throw down a ridiculous amount of cash for it because it’s so perfect (and, because everything costs a ridiculous amount of cash at West Elm).  I log on to their website and guess what?  Can’t find the thing anywhere in their extensive collection of lighting fixtures.  Wait, there’s no little letter thingy on the catalogue page.  Interesting… surely with a big, bold, “Bring in the Light” headline the only light in the picture would be an item they are selling, no?  No. WTF Antique Shit Makes Our Overpriced Crap Look Cooler? 

2.  WTF are you wearing? 

 

This is a three for the price of one deal.  1 – For the last three months, it has been 90 degrees on a cool day in my town.  Why in the world would you be wearing suede boots?  2 – When shopping for jeans, I have a rule.  The rule states that if the pockets are farther apart than the width of your hand, they are going to make your ass look big and you should not purchase them.  I hereby supplement that rule with the following:  if the pockets on the jeans are non-existent, they are going to make your ass look ginormous and you should not purchase them.  Nor should you accept them as a hand me down or wear them even if someone is paying you to do so.  3 – A pocketbook should the size of a book.  You are picking someone up at the airport here, not trying to sneak an extra bag on the plane by calling that Mary Poppins wanna-be bag a purse.  WTF Ms. I Have No Friends AND No Mirrors? 

3 – WTF is that? 

  

If you are not coordinated enough to squat and pee at the same time, fine.  We all can’t be Anna Kornikova.  However, what the hell am I supposed to do with this mess?  WTF Toilet Troll? 

4.  WTF school did you graduate from? 

 

This drives me bonkers.  Unless you are under the impression that I am dyslexic, something tells me you shouldn’t be so reliant on spellcheck.  WTF Edumacated Professional? 

5.  WTF backwater place are you from? 

from consignmentqueen.com

I’m willing to forgive the misuse of the word “constantly” (I think she really meant consistently), the lack of proper comma usage and the lack of a question mark (maybe she thought the big green one would suffice).  I’m on the fence about the air quotes around “competing.”  You lost me at “sale” when the correct term is “sell.”  I came thisclose to writing this woman an email explaining the difference between having a sale and selling something.  This is a southern thing, I think.  I have encountered it many times down in these parts and it drives me almost to tears.  For sell.  Easiest to sale.  I can only think that they speak with heavy accents and spell phonetically.  WTF Ms. I Pronounce the Writing Instrument “Pin”? 

6.  WTF is wrong with you? 

 

So, I suck at small talk.  I’m the worst at it.  I inevitably say the stupidest thing that comes to mind.  This morning, however, I met someone who is worse at it than I am.  Smalls made some artwork at her daycare that they sent home in a paper bag.  I decided that I wanted to hang this artwork in my office at work and brought said paper bag in this morning.  On the elevator: 

WTF Smalltalk Fail: You are holding a big, paper bag. 

Peeved: [no shit, Sherlock] Yes, I am. I’m bringing in some artwork that my 4-year-old made. 

WTF Smalltalk Fail: Oh, is it your first? 

Peeved: No, actually, I also have a twelve-year-old. 

WTF Smalltalk Fail: Oh, I just figured.  Because, by the time our second came, we didn’t even take pictures of her.  The first one, all the artwork was saved and put up, second one – eh! 

Peeved: [And the father of the year award goes to…] Um, yeah.  I guess having mine so far apart, it’s like starting over again. 

Wow.  Guess the “shit I should think and never say” filter was turned off in that wee brain of his.  WTF Smalltalk Fail? 

 

Who the hell wouldn’t hang that beauty in their office?  So, what were some of your WTF moments this week?




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